Jodi is trying to kill me on March 1, 2009.

Jodi is trying to convince me to run the L.A. Marathon in March 2009 (http://www.lamarathon.com/).

The "running portion" of the marathon is 26.2 miles. I have tried to tell her that I do not want to die of a heart attack. She's not concerned. Apparently, there are medical check points every 3 miles or so. I want to know what happens when I collapse at mile 4.2, go into cardiac arrest while being trampled by 1000s of running over-achievers like Jodi. When she gets to the next checkpoint over 2 miles away, will she even slow down to tell them where I am? And if she does, how will they find my crumpled, beaten body on the marathon course?

Jodi says that I have plenty of time to train. The word "train" really does not compute to someone like me. I have never trained for anything in my life. Any running that I have ever done has been from one retail establishment (think Target) to another (think Cost Plus, IKEA, Costco, Forever 21) but only because I had dinner plans later.

Jodi says, "Think how good you will feel when you cross that finish line!" I say, think how good you will feel when I cross the finish line (I am being optimistic) at 8pm that night, hours after the marathon is over and you have to drive back to shadey downtown L.A. to get me, sweaty, panting and exhausted. You better bring a friend so you can lift my body into the trunk of your car.

I asked if there was some sort of charitable cause we were running for. Jodi said "Empowerment". My reaction: blank stare. All I can see is the white light.