In honor of her 29th birthday
Jodi is performing her signature booooooooooty dance!
Happy Birthday Luv-ah!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Scene 1: Penguin Man
A dramatic scene by Woodsie (inspired by Kim D).
SCENE. A sunny beautiful day in a random strip mall parking lot. Woodsie, Irina and Sarina are climbing into a dirty Ford Fuckus parked in front of a Penguin's Ice Cream. Woodsie - chatty and in good spirits - is slightly disheveled from cleaning up the trash and miscellaneous items from the passenger seat and floor of the car. Woodsie walks around to the driver's side of the car. A dusty man in his mid-30's emerges from the ever-quiet Penguin's.
PENGUIN MAN. (Scowling with stinky stink stink face. Speaking in lazy broken English because he hasn't moved all day). You park here. Next time. I tow you.
WOODSIE. (Calmly). Excuse me?
PENGUIN MAN. You cannot park here. I tow you.
WOODSIE. (Confused but still calm). What? Why?
PENGUIN MAN. You no go here. I tow you.
WOODSIE. But I went to that restaurant.
PENGUIN MAN. I see you. You no go here. I tow you.
WOODSIE. But it's all the same building. Why can't I park here?
PENGUIN MAN. They have own parking. I tow you.
WOODSIE. (Still in good spirits). Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't know they had their own parking. I'm sorry!
PENGUIN MAN. I tow you. I see you. I tow you. You no go herrrrrrrrrre. (Penguin man makes a snarling noise).
WOODSIE. (Calm but determined to make light of the situation). I'm sorry. I didn't know.
PENGUIN MAN. I tow you. I tow you.
(PENGUIN MAN Slowly lurks back into the always-empty Penguin's because Pinkberry is better, and Baskin Robbins has more flavors, and at Cold Stone they sing when you tip them. Snarls to himself and makes a noise like Golum from Lord of the Rings. Wrinkles his face like an old lady.)
PENGUIN MAN. I tow you.
WOODSIE. (No longer calm. No longer confused. No longer in good spirits.) I SAID I WAS SORRY!!!!! FUCKER!!
END SCENE.
SCENE. A sunny beautiful day in a random strip mall parking lot. Woodsie, Irina and Sarina are climbing into a dirty Ford Fuckus parked in front of a Penguin's Ice Cream. Woodsie - chatty and in good spirits - is slightly disheveled from cleaning up the trash and miscellaneous items from the passenger seat and floor of the car. Woodsie walks around to the driver's side of the car. A dusty man in his mid-30's emerges from the ever-quiet Penguin's.
PENGUIN MAN. (Scowling with stinky stink stink face. Speaking in lazy broken English because he hasn't moved all day). You park here. Next time. I tow you.
WOODSIE. (Calmly). Excuse me?
PENGUIN MAN. You cannot park here. I tow you.
WOODSIE. (Confused but still calm). What? Why?
PENGUIN MAN. You no go here. I tow you.
WOODSIE. But I went to that restaurant.
PENGUIN MAN. I see you. You no go here. I tow you.
WOODSIE. But it's all the same building. Why can't I park here?
PENGUIN MAN. They have own parking. I tow you.
WOODSIE. (Still in good spirits). Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't know they had their own parking. I'm sorry!
PENGUIN MAN. I tow you. I see you. I tow you. You no go herrrrrrrrrre. (Penguin man makes a snarling noise).
WOODSIE. (Calm but determined to make light of the situation). I'm sorry. I didn't know.
PENGUIN MAN. I tow you. I tow you.
(PENGUIN MAN Slowly lurks back into the always-empty Penguin's because Pinkberry is better, and Baskin Robbins has more flavors, and at Cold Stone they sing when you tip them. Snarls to himself and makes a noise like Golum from Lord of the Rings. Wrinkles his face like an old lady.)
PENGUIN MAN. I tow you.
WOODSIE. (No longer calm. No longer confused. No longer in good spirits.) I SAID I WAS SORRY!!!!! FUCKER!!
END SCENE.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Urthalla
This morning at Urth Cafe, the girl who took my order asked for my name to write on the ticket. She spelled it "Urthalla".
OMG. At Urth Cafe, my name is Urthalla. Get it? Urthalla!?!?
Puts a smile on your face, doesn't it?
OMG. At Urth Cafe, my name is Urthalla. Get it? Urthalla!?!?
Puts a smile on your face, doesn't it?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The 5 Life Purposes of Kim Dzwonkowski (formerly Helms)
We all need to be reminded from time to time that our lives have purpose. Today my good friend, Kim Dzwonkowski (formerly Helms) most needed this reminder because her brain disorder temporarily prevented her from remembering that she has many life purposes; more than the top 5 I have listed below.
Life Purpose #1
To be an actress who is comedic, entertaining and stunning.
Life Purpose #2
To be a muse for many people, including but not limited to, Frank Dzwonkowski and Ursula Sherwood. We would suffer and shrivel up without her.
Life Purpose #3
To overcome her brain disorder; or more specifically, to show that great art can originate in those suffering from a brain disorder.
Life Purpose #4
To write and create many, many novels, poems, screenplays and articles that will inspire and mesmerize.
Life Purpose #5
To have superior, beautiful, intelligent children with Frank Dzwonkowski and to give meaningful purpose to the back seat of Pearl-Lee.
BONUS Life Purpose
To be a good friend to those of us who would otherwise be severely handicapped or lesser human beings without your stable advice, non-judgmental love and balanced soul.
Life Purpose #1
To be an actress who is comedic, entertaining and stunning.
Life Purpose #2
To be a muse for many people, including but not limited to, Frank Dzwonkowski and Ursula Sherwood. We would suffer and shrivel up without her.
Life Purpose #3
To overcome her brain disorder; or more specifically, to show that great art can originate in those suffering from a brain disorder.
Life Purpose #4
To write and create many, many novels, poems, screenplays and articles that will inspire and mesmerize.
Life Purpose #5
To have superior, beautiful, intelligent children with Frank Dzwonkowski and to give meaningful purpose to the back seat of Pearl-Lee.
BONUS Life Purpose
To be a good friend to those of us who would otherwise be severely handicapped or lesser human beings without your stable advice, non-judgmental love and balanced soul.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
New Neighbor Lady, A Sign from the Heavens (Finally)
Tonight New Neighbor Lady and I came home at the same time. She pulled in first. I slowly crept my car down the driveway at 5 mph (I don't even drive that slow around children). I was timing my arrival so I could finally see New Neighbor Lady's evil face.
Oh thank you, thank you, sweet Baby Jesus, Ganesha, Allah, Abraham and happy, happy Buddha!
New Neighbor Lady is Asian. My people. I heart New Neighbor Lady. I heart her loud, evil, taunting ways. We may never be friends, but somehow, this means that all is right in the world.
And you know what, I have a feeling...she hearts Angry Asian Girl too.
Oh thank you, thank you, sweet Baby Jesus, Ganesha, Allah, Abraham and happy, happy Buddha!
New Neighbor Lady is Asian. My people. I heart New Neighbor Lady. I heart her loud, evil, taunting ways. We may never be friends, but somehow, this means that all is right in the world.
And you know what, I have a feeling...she hearts Angry Asian Girl too.
New Neighbor Lady is Taunting Me
I went to sleep last night around 11:00 pm to the sweet sweet noise of drilling and hammering against a wall coming from the apartment of evil New Neighbor Lady. I woke up this morning at 6:00 am to the sweet sweet noise of New Neighbor Lady hammering. Still?
I got out of bed and greeted New Neighbor Lady by going into my bathroom and slamming the door. HARD. Silence followed. Then after a while, I ran the shower. She ran the shower. I got into my shower quietly. She started to open and slam the shower door several times. Then she started to open and slam her bathroom cabinets and the toilet seat.
She's taunting me, right? Right? Or have I finally lost my mind to this new version of Chinese Torture? Chinese because...well know...my people?
I got out of bed and greeted New Neighbor Lady by going into my bathroom and slamming the door. HARD. Silence followed. Then after a while, I ran the shower. She ran the shower. I got into my shower quietly. She started to open and slam the shower door several times. Then she started to open and slam her bathroom cabinets and the toilet seat.
She's taunting me, right? Right? Or have I finally lost my mind to this new version of Chinese Torture? Chinese because...well know...my people?
Monday, May 5, 2008
Fattie (finally) Destroys a Pair of Jeans
This morning while leaving for work, I bent over to pick up my purse and my jeans ripped along my inner left thigh. You'll be surprised to know that even with my fat bubbling out of the tear to meet the cool draft in my apartment, I calmly went to my laundry basket, picked out (and by that I mean sniffed out) a pair of pants and changed into them.
Then Fattie went to the doughnut shop and bought a large chubby pastry.
Then Fattie went to the doughnut shop and bought a large chubby pastry.
Friday, May 2, 2008
I hate my new neighbor
The apartment next to mine was vacant for months until about a week ago.
At first, I was sad to learn that my last neighbor was gone because he was Asian (my people). Then I became bitter because he didn't say "good bye" (rude!), even though I can't remember his name. Then I found relief because I really believed that he was cooking dog in his apartment. You know, because he's Asian? That's what my people do.
Anyway, a new lady moved in (suckered into the overpriced rent) and on Day 1 of her tenancy, the annoyances began.
First she parked a gigantic U-Haul Truck in our driveway blocking all 16 units from parking their cars. Not so nice when parking is sparse on my crowded street. Also not so nice when all she was unloading was a coffee table and a mattress. Hello Princess! Her only saving grace was the fact that she was friendly with the immigrant day laborers she hired. Although let me mention here, my sweet Mexican neighbors were...well...let's just say NOT approving.
Note: up until this point, I take full responsibility for being a mean, judgemental bitch.
Then, this morning at 5:45 am, new neighbor lady decided to begin heavy construction in her apartment. There was thumping, crashing and pounding of the walls and floors that lasted for a good 45 minutes. I was jolted awake and immediately plunged into gloom and (of course) anger.
So the gloves are off, bitch.
I'm going to start my nit-picking at your car. This is L.A. Nice "Outback Subaru 4 Wheel Drive". Let me know how the off-roading is on Venice Boulevard, dumb ass. Oh, and how do you like the "outback" of Culver City?!?!?!? Did I mention she has hung those cheesy Mardi Gras beads from her rear view mirror? No doubt to remind herself (and poor me) of the slutty weekend she had in Vegas about 25 years ago. Surrender the fantasy already!
Now, let's talk about the fact that new neighbor girl is the size of a hobbit and wears those "height-enhancing" shoes that look and sound like cement blocks when she walks. It is torture when she climbs the stairs to her apartment.
But here is the the worst part: despite her teeny tiny size she sounds like a behemoth trapped in a hall closet WHENEVER she moves around her apartment. I wasn't going to bring it up because she just moved in, but someone needs a lesson in moving gracefully.
Speaking of lessons. Lesson #1 of moving in next to Ursula - don't hammer your walls to hang your damn pictures at 5:45 in the morning.
At first, I was sad to learn that my last neighbor was gone because he was Asian (my people). Then I became bitter because he didn't say "good bye" (rude!), even though I can't remember his name. Then I found relief because I really believed that he was cooking dog in his apartment. You know, because he's Asian? That's what my people do.
Anyway, a new lady moved in (suckered into the overpriced rent) and on Day 1 of her tenancy, the annoyances began.
First she parked a gigantic U-Haul Truck in our driveway blocking all 16 units from parking their cars. Not so nice when parking is sparse on my crowded street. Also not so nice when all she was unloading was a coffee table and a mattress. Hello Princess! Her only saving grace was the fact that she was friendly with the immigrant day laborers she hired. Although let me mention here, my sweet Mexican neighbors were...well...let's just say NOT approving.
Note: up until this point, I take full responsibility for being a mean, judgemental bitch.
Then, this morning at 5:45 am, new neighbor lady decided to begin heavy construction in her apartment. There was thumping, crashing and pounding of the walls and floors that lasted for a good 45 minutes. I was jolted awake and immediately plunged into gloom and (of course) anger.
So the gloves are off, bitch.
I'm going to start my nit-picking at your car. This is L.A. Nice "Outback Subaru 4 Wheel Drive". Let me know how the off-roading is on Venice Boulevard, dumb ass. Oh, and how do you like the "outback" of Culver City?!?!?!? Did I mention she has hung those cheesy Mardi Gras beads from her rear view mirror? No doubt to remind herself (and poor me) of the slutty weekend she had in Vegas about 25 years ago. Surrender the fantasy already!
Now, let's talk about the fact that new neighbor girl is the size of a hobbit and wears those "height-enhancing" shoes that look and sound like cement blocks when she walks. It is torture when she climbs the stairs to her apartment.
But here is the the worst part: despite her teeny tiny size she sounds like a behemoth trapped in a hall closet WHENEVER she moves around her apartment. I wasn't going to bring it up because she just moved in, but someone needs a lesson in moving gracefully.
Speaking of lessons. Lesson #1 of moving in next to Ursula - don't hammer your walls to hang your damn pictures at 5:45 in the morning.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Screw You Organics-To-Go
Yesterday, I made the very sad mistake of purchasing a "Cheese Plate" from Organics-To-Go. When I opened the package I saw that the cheese glistened like the shiny plastic of a toy Tonka Truck. The rubber cheese was fake; as in sealed in an air-tight aluminum packaging and stored on a shelf in an un-refrigerated warehouse in Norco (which by the way, is a small town in California that constantly smells like cow manure because of the cows) then sent to Organics-To-Go via UPS Ground 5 day service, and sold to me...the yuppie fool.
My final realization came when I went to Starbucks this morning and for HALF the price of that at Organics-To-Suck, I got myself a REAL cup of coffee. I was shocked by the rich, soothing, delicious taste of a Starbucks Americano, and jolted back to reality. I realized I had almost succumbed to the canned organic brainwashing of Organics-To-Go-To-Hell, just because it's the closest place to buy food from at office.
Therefore, I hereby officially refuse to set foot in Organics-To-Go. You are on my list, Organics-To-Go. You faux-earth-friendly-no-preservative-health-loving-got-you-fooled-yuppie-monkey restaurant. I will never enter your premises again, unless it's to laugh at the other yuppies getting sick from the fake cheese, to mock your perverted fancy decorations or to steal a maybe-maybe-not recycled napkin to wipe my...well..you know.
My final realization came when I went to Starbucks this morning and for HALF the price of that at Organics-To-Suck, I got myself a REAL cup of coffee. I was shocked by the rich, soothing, delicious taste of a Starbucks Americano, and jolted back to reality. I realized I had almost succumbed to the canned organic brainwashing of Organics-To-Go-To-Hell, just because it's the closest place to buy food from at office.
Therefore, I hereby officially refuse to set foot in Organics-To-Go. You are on my list, Organics-To-Go. You faux-earth-friendly-no-preservative-health-loving-got-you-fooled-yuppie-monkey restaurant. I will never enter your premises again, unless it's to laugh at the other yuppies getting sick from the fake cheese, to mock your perverted fancy decorations or to steal a maybe-maybe-not recycled napkin to wipe my...well..you know.
Happy Birthday Erica!
Happy Birthday to our Special Tinkers!
And here's to the Pittel-Tink Pout!
No one pouts better than our Erica (So Golden) Nugget!
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