I hate my new neighbor

The apartment next to mine was vacant for months until about a week ago.

At first, I was sad to learn that my last neighbor was gone because he was Asian (my people). Then I became bitter because he didn't say "good bye" (rude!), even though I can't remember his name. Then I found relief because I really believed that he was cooking dog in his apartment. You know, because he's Asian? That's what my people do.

Anyway, a new lady moved in (suckered into the overpriced rent) and on Day 1 of her tenancy, the annoyances began.

First she parked a gigantic U-Haul Truck in our driveway blocking all 16 units from parking their cars. Not so nice when parking is sparse on my crowded street. Also not so nice when all she was unloading was a coffee table and a mattress. Hello Princess! Her only saving grace was the fact that she was friendly with the immigrant day laborers she hired. Although let me mention here, my sweet Mexican neighbors were...well...let's just say NOT approving.

Note: up until this point, I take full responsibility for being a mean, judgemental bitch.

Then, this morning at 5:45 am, new neighbor lady decided to begin heavy construction in her apartment. There was thumping, crashing and pounding of the walls and floors that lasted for a good 45 minutes. I was jolted awake and immediately plunged into gloom and (of course) anger.

So the gloves are off, bitch.

I'm going to start my nit-picking at your car. This is L.A. Nice "Outback Subaru 4 Wheel Drive". Let me know how the off-roading is on Venice Boulevard, dumb ass. Oh, and how do you like the "outback" of Culver City?!?!?!? Did I mention she has hung those cheesy Mardi Gras beads from her rear view mirror? No doubt to remind herself (and poor me) of the slutty weekend she had in Vegas about 25 years ago. Surrender the fantasy already!

Now, let's talk about the fact that new neighbor girl is the size of a hobbit and wears those "height-enhancing" shoes that look and sound like cement blocks when she walks. It is torture when she climbs the stairs to her apartment.

But here is the the worst part: despite her teeny tiny size she sounds like a behemoth trapped in a hall closet WHENEVER she moves around her apartment. I wasn't going to bring it up because she just moved in, but someone needs a lesson in moving gracefully.

Speaking of lessons. Lesson #1 of moving in next to Ursula - don't hammer your walls to hang your damn pictures at 5:45 in the morning.